allison

Fri, 05 Aug 2005 21:24:42 GMT

Today was my first day off since getting back from Maryland. I finally got all my stuff from the trip put away and my room is kind of neat. The chaos of the mess in my room is slowly driving me mad, but that's just a personal flaw. Mostly it's school stuff that has no place to go, so the laundry basket and the printer box and the extra computer just sit conspicuously on the floor.
I'm helping the HC team with their practices. I don't want to be all domineering, but I think they need a lot more help than some of them are willing to admit. It was shocking to hear that a sophomore didn't know about fouls. And it's challenging when we're doing something and someone decides to tell a freshman waaay more information than the freshman can handle. "If you get the ball down on the deep wing and the person is trying to take the ball away, start swimming with your elbows up and try to hit them really hard in the nose." We're trying to learn basic "don't grab the ball with two hands" type things. We don't need to delve into the intricacies of defending the ball. whaaatever. There were only 15 people at practice today and two of them aren't even going to be on the team. Which means that if these are the only player, they won't have two full teams (guys and girls). I suppose it's not exactly my problem if they can't fill the roster, but I feel the pain of the seniors who are working so hard while the team deteriorates in front of their eyes. Gordon's amazing recruiting skills have basically demolished chances of building the team and his wonderful coaching skills have not exactly fostered a well-developed team. And it's hard to play a game when only two people know what's going on. Definitely feeling bad for the people on the team who care...
I thought I had to be up at school on the 24th, but then Jon (coordinator guy for the trips) said we had to be there the 26th. Well, actually what he said was "Thursday the 26th." Thursday is the 25th. So I had been going by the date instead of the day, but turns out he meant the day, not the date. So I will be back at school on the 25th.
Only eight more days of work! hooray! I haven't started a countdown to when I go back to school because I don't really want to know how few days I have left. Oh well...

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 00:01:32 GMT

Thu, 16 Dec 2004 13:35:36 GMT

haha....college....so great....

and i'm coming home today!!!!!

Sun, 05 Dec 2004 14:59:34 GMT

haha...last night...wonderful...sigh...so wonderful...

look! a public entry!!

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 23:53:08 GMT

15 Things to do at Target &/or Walmart if you're really bored or if your name is Cletus (because I can so see Hakert doing all of these)

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5
minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official
tone, "Code 3 in Housewares" ....and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.

6. Move a "Caution -- wet floor" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other
shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding
Department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and
ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror,
and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the Hunting Department, ask the
clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the theme from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the Auto Department practice your "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say:
"Pick Me, Pick Me.".

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the
fetal position and scream: No! No! Its those voices again!!!

15 Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while, and
then yell loudly: "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 15:34:53 GMT

Having read other people's livejournals, and remembering my ever so wise analysis of the situation that I offered so long ago, I would just like to point out that I was right. And no one listened.

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 22:50:38 GMT

I still believe it when you say it's another perfect day

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 20:12:31 GMT

So... it's raining really hard right now.like sideways-through-your-window rain. i love the rain.
today we had the activities fair and i was walking around and this guy from Young Life came to talk to me. He looks like Ben Affleck. No joke. Has the same mouth, same speech mannerisms (or at least as far as I can tell from seeing Ben Affleck in a movie). So I was tempted to join Young Life just for Mr Ben Affleck look-alike, but I didn't think God would appreciate that very much (Young Life is a Christian ministry thing). And then I signed up for some info on doing more Habitat for Humanity. And then I remembered that swimming eats up all my extra time, so I left.
I just spent $596.25 on books. For four classes. That's more than $100 per class. I am officially poor. Next time, I'm buying off e-bay.

Thu, 02 Sep 2004 00:36:43 GMT

here comes the depression...

lala in the kitchen on the floor

Wed, 01 Sep 2004 03:36:53 GMT

You make me wanna scream

So it's 11:11pm right now. I'm sitting in my dorm. I just got off the phone with my mom. And right before that, I was on the phone with my dad. My dad is in Ocean City, MD right now and my mom is in SA. And I think they are having more separation anxiety than I am. Which is fine and dandy for the moment.
If you couldn't tell in the pics from before, my room has two windows. They both face places that people walk by quite often. And more often than not, I am changing clothes when it is dark outside. This presents a problem as anyone looking up can clearly see whatever I happen to be doing. Which makes it very difficult to chance clothes. And yes, I could put the blinds down, but I'm a slut. No, the real problem is that one of the windows is behind our beds, so I'd have to crawl over Emma's bed to close the window and it's a big hassle. And the other window has my beloved flowers on the windowsill so I don't want to disturb them, as the last time I put the shade down the wind blew it over and it knocked my beautiful roses on the ground, spilling dirt all over Emma's stuff (oops!). But I cleaned it up and all is well now.
You want to know about the insanity at W&L? The other night I was walking down the hall and there were all these camera crews filming some girl in her dorm room. Now, I'm not generally a very nosy person and I really didn't care to stick around, so I just kept walking. But today I found out that the girl in that dorm (Elliot..just like on scrubs--so cute!) was being surprised by her sister and the producer from Oprah because she's off to go get a makeover before school starts. BOO! So unfair. So now I'm hoping that Oprah is going to see the living conditions in our hall and come and bestow great gifts upon us. haha.
Tonight our little habitat group went on a ghost tour of lex. We walked by chi phi or phi chi or whatever frat house it was, and all these guys were drunk out front, and they came up to us and gave one of the guys in our group a beer and made him chug it. It was hilarious. And this one guy, Clint, from that frat looks exactly like Joshua Jackson. No joke.
And before that we went to Don Tequila's for dinner. Very interesting spin on Mexican food. I wish my mom was Mexican so she could cook me up some good food...wait, I wish my mom was Tex-Mex, lived in Lex, and was named Taco Cabana. aah yes. So Lex-Mex is very interesting, to say the least. And I'm a glutton. And I'm fat now. Like a pear shape. But hopefully walking around everywhere and swimming will help.
Building was fun at habitat. We're building a shed, which involves a lot of hammering. I like to hammer, I have decided. It's so much fun!
The only real friend I've made is Faith. She's really nice and seems a lot like me. Not very loud or outgoing, but very genuine and sweet. haha yes, me exactly. lol. Anyway, so she's really nice but she's also very religious. So we have so much in common except for the religious part. Our group played never have i ever and most of the stuff i haven't done, like sex in the back of car, having my parents walk in on me and a guy, etc etc, but I have had alcohol and the like, and Faith hasn't done anything like that. So I almost feel like I'm not a good person if I've had alcohol. And earlier in the day I was feeling like I didn't want to go to any parties, but then tonight when we walked by the frat house I was thinking how much I would like to go hang out with all those guys and get drunk. Which is totally incongruent with being friends with Faith. I mean, not like you expect a person to be just like you, but she was saying how she doesn't agree with it at all, and she wouldn't do those things because they are so bad. And I was like "you know, we are at the #2 party school in america..." but I didn't say that. I just said how sometimes I wondered how I ended up here because I'm so not a big partyer. And then she said how she didnt know why people would want to get drunk because it doesnt seem like much fun, and i wanted to tell her how much fun it is when you're drunk. Not like throwing up and crying but just enough to be happy. But I didn't say that. So basically, the only girl who really has potential to be a good friend is very religious (which I am almost against) and she doesn't believe in drinking or anything like that. So I don't know really. And she was talking to me earlier about the Christian fellowship on campus and stuff, and i didn't want to tell her how i don't really think i believe in organized religion, or at least i haven't found a church im comfortable with, because i didnt want her to be like "ok cant be friends with you anymore" because then i will have lost the only girl who is kind of my friend.
My room is mostly set up. I have most of the stuff I need. I bought shelves at Walmart and I had to put them together with my swiss army knife because i didn't have a screwdriver. But at least i am self-sufficient. Now I just need some food and a clock so I'll know what time it is. So I'm basically settled in. I just wish my roommate would show back up so I have someone to hang out with. And i want someone to explain orientation week to me so I'll know what's going on. And I want someone to explain rush to me so i don't have to freak out about it until winter term in january.
But basically everything is going well. And I got a postcard from Nikki today (THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!) and a shirt from Faye (SO AWESOME!!). And the post office is all old and romantic. Yes, I am a hopeless romantic. Leave me alone.
And now it's 11:36pm. Time for bed.

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 02:49:48 GMT

so...
I'm at school. I'm all moved in. pretty much anyway. still a few random empty boxes sitting around. Most of the girls around here dress in really nice clothing and carry their little--wait--big and expensive kate spade and louis bags. i was feeling very out of place until my roommate came in and was telling me about how when they moved in all her stuff, she saw all these girls and their families dressed up and she felt all out of place. And it's so freaking humid. I changed my shirt three times today because i felt so gross. and i feel all lonely because all the people in my habitat group are in the commons watching the VMAs, which I have absolutely no interest in. Whatever. here, look at some pics of my tiny room before I type myself into depression.

coming into Virginia

the view from my desk in the corner of the room

our desks (mine on the right)...if you're not in any of the pics on the walls that's because i dont like you. ha! or maybe i just don't have a picture of you. and yes, that is a picture of mary-kate and ashley olsen on my roommate's desk...i dont know...i just dont know...

our beds...I got the lousy top bunk so the crazy sex will be even crazier (notice my 100000 pillows...I have no idea why i brought so many but oh well)

the mini roses I bought for myself at walmart because no one else will buy me roses

"she was as cool as a person could be at a nerdy school"

Sat, 28 Aug 2004 01:32:31 GMT

Alrighty, so we made it to Lexington safely. Well, besides the fact that my dad drives like an insane person. When I get married, my husband better drive like a sane person, or that might become an irreconcilable difference. Anyway, the drive was nice. I mostly slept the whole way, so that made it go a little faster.
When we got to town, we went to this little restaurant that from the outside looked like it was just a little local place, but it turns out that it was really a nice restaurant. So we were a little underdressed. And all these other families with their w&l freshmen kept coming in and they were all dressed like they were coming from the country club, so that made it seem like I was even more out of place. What have I gotten myself into? I am so not a country club person. But maybe I can become one...
And before I left town, I was actually having a nice time, and things were turning out all nicely and then I had to skip town. So it's like God's intervention, telling me...well, telling me whatever. Things always seem to go like that. It starts to go well and then something has to change. Oh well.
So tomorrow I get a chance to look around town before I have to move in on sunday, and maybe I'll feel a little more comfortable. Although, if everyone around here is going to be dressing like they just came from fancypants town, then I don't know what I'm going to do. My roommate seems really down to earth, so that's good, but she also said she's from the nicest neighborhood in Minneapolis, so I bet her family dresses really well, too. And she works at Marshall Fields, so she gets new clothes all the time. BLAH! I feel so nervous and not good enough. I'm always feeling like I don't meet the standard or I'm not good enough to be around people. That even happens to me when I go to North Star, which isn't even as nice as it used to be. But like when I go into AE, I feel like even though I love the clothes, I shouldn't be in there because I'm not cool enough or pretty enough or skinny enough, and because of these I never set foot in A&F. ever.
Well anyway, my friends, I'm in Lex now, and everything seems to be ok (knock on wood). So keep in touch and feel free to give me a call anytime, because we all know how I'm horrible about calling people, but I would love to talk to you. In other words, CALL ME BECAUSE I'M LONELY! *hint hint*
Oh, and a shout out to the polo team. Good luck at your game on saturday! I gave my mom a message for you guys so she'll probably be talking to you before the game. <3
haha oh yeah and my mom told me that my little sister was talking to Mason at school today and he said that I was "as cool as a person could be at a nerdy school." woo I was cool!! hahahaha

(don't break any promises)

Wed, 25 Aug 2004 18:53:03 GMT

For all you people who want to be dermatologists because you think nothing exciting or scary ever happens in dermatology...I have come to prove you wrong.
Today I went down for my derm appt at wh to get a biopsy. So they take me in the little surgery room and the tech gives me lidocaine and then we're just sitting there chatting when everything starts to get blurry and the (dun dun dun) black circle starts to appear in my eyes. So I'm like "hey guys, I'm feeling a little light-headed here" so they're like "ok we'll get you some water" and then I tried to lean back and that was it....
and then I wake up to some strange guy in my face going "are you ok? do you know where you are?" uuh yeah, duh, I'm in the derm clinic. But there's like every single member of the derm clinic standing around me looking kind of shell-shocked, and then they're in the background like "ok, I think she's ok now..cancel the code blue." Yes, my friends, they called a code blue on me. Even though I didn't stop breathing and my heart never stopped beating. The dermos just freaked out and called it. haha. So then they made me lie down inverted so all the blood could go back to my brain, and apparently I was white as a ghost. Good fun. And now I'm totally freaked out and never want to have lidocaine near me ever again.
And then my dad came down from his office and took me to go get something to eat, and I felt like I was going to fall flat on my face, and it was great. And then every person we saw in the hospital that my dad knew, he introduced me to them as "the code blue from dermatology."
But no worries. I'm ok now. And I get to drive to school tomorrow. Which is probably why I was not in a good condition in the first place to get lidocaine. That and I was really tired and only ate a banana for breakfast. So, the moral of the story is, if you're going to get lidocaine, get a good night's rest, eat a good breakfast, and don't go on a day when you're already stressed out about moving away from home.
The end

p.s. get well cards, flowers, chocolates, money can be sent to
Allison Rogers
PO Box 213
Lexington, VA 24450

Wed, 25 Aug 2004 05:22:36 GMT

I love my friends so much. And I miss them a lot right now. I mean, I'm not moping around the house or anything, but I'm just thinking how crazy it is that I'm not going to see these people for such a long time and I really worry that I'm going to lose touch with them. And that really makes me sad. But anyway...
I'm packing up all my stuff and I have a ton of shirts. It's ridiculous. I had to narrow it down quite a bit and I still have a jam-packed suitcase, and that's not even all of my clothes. So a little bit of a predicament. I told Emma we can just make piles of clothes all around the room when we run out of space in our closets. Well, however it works out, it's going to be interesting. I still have a ton of packing to do and I need to be finished by tomorrow night so I can pack up my car. Blah! So aggravating!!!
And in other news, that's all the news. Tomorrow should be busy with a drs appt monopolizing the whole morning (very unfortunately) and then I'm supposed to go out to lunch, but those aren't really solid plans as of yet, so we'll see how that all pans out. And then I'm supposed to catch a movie but those are very not solid plans, so I don't really know what's going to happen with that. I'm just very sad right now. I can't feel the sadness, but I know it's there, in my mind. Knowing what could've been and what never was. And what is there, and how it should be good enough, but some how it feels like it's not enough. Like there could be more, even though I know there couldn't be, I want to believe that there could. But...I'm leaving town, so what does it matter, eh? But it does matter and the more I think about it, the more it distresses me. I should stop thinking about things and just accept them for what they are. BLAH!

Mon, 23 Aug 2004 05:05:11 GMT

well, it's come down to the last three days...and of course, I'm having second thoughts--more like fourth or fifth thoughts. But I'm still excited about going away. And my roommate seems really nice, so that's good. Now I have to find a way to cram all my stuff into my car. That's going to be challenging. At least I don't have to deal with a tv or microfridge. Emma's bringing the tv, and we're renting a microfridge when we get there, so that's all taken care of...or it will be as soon as I send in the paperwork for the microfridge. I really want one of those chairs from Target, but I don't know if it will fit in my car, so tomorrow I'm going to test things out to see how stuff fits, and then if there's extra space, I'll look into buying the chair and maybe a set of those damn plastic drawers I've been wanting for so long.
The olympics has gottened me all psyched about swimming again. That's always a good thing.
I'm so excited to go to Lex and see what it's all like and to move into my dorm room and meet Emma and have some fun and then run home and let everything go back to normal again.
I think my parents are freaking out about people at wlu being elitist. My dad, for the first time in the history of the world, has asked that his mail from wlu be addressed to "Dr" instead of "Mr Rogers" and my mom is all caught up in how all the pictures of Parents' Weekend show these well-dressed kids guiding their well-dressed parents around campus. As if my parents don't dress well. Seriously. But I will admit, some of these people look like they just walked out of the country club. Even so, they're not all elitist. Emma said she is looking forward to being with a roommate who's not from a prep school so that we can laugh at the prep school kids together. And I explained to my mom that if these people were that hoity-toity then they'd send their kids to Harvard or Yale, not the #2 party school in America. To which my mom said maybe these people think they are so above the rules that they can drink underage and get away with it. No winning this battle apparently. So my parents think I'm heading off to a snotty school to rub elbows with the entitled elitists. blah what a horrible fate. Basically, my parents don't seem very excited about me going to wlu, and more than anything, they seem quite intimidated and keep transferring that fear onto me in the form of wonderfully reassuring encouragements ("I hope you know what you're getting into" and "you've never really been around a bunch of prep school kids before, have you?"). So yeah. that's where things stand around here.
hope everyone else is having a much better go at things.

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 04:49:14 GMT

It's 11:36pm and I am hungry. I went out tonight with Karen, her boyfriend, and his friend. It wasn't as weird as I had anticipated, mostly because his friend was not the friend I thought it was, and was therefore not the one staring down me, Faye, and Nic at Jim's...I don't think it was him anyway. Wait, now that I think about it, maybe it was. Whatever.
OK, write this down, and then sometime after August 29, call this number: (540) 458-4449. Or at least put it in your phone so when you're scrolling through your phonebook you can be like "oh look, there's the phone number for this girl I used to be friends with."
On the college rankings on Princetonreview.com, W&L is (ranking, category):
#1 Lots of Hard Liquor
#1 Lots of Beer
#2 Party School
#3 little race interaction
#6 homogeneous student population
In other words, W&L is a bunch of drunken white kids. Well, whatever. I don't care. I'm drunken, and I'm white. Actually, I'm not white, I'm "European American." I mean, if we can have African American and Asian American, then I want my ethnicity to be European American. Except I'm not really. I'm just American. Race and ethnicity are stupid. Down with race! Get over it already. People have different melanin levels. whoopiedoo. It's just those other Americans trying to hold the European American down.
In other news, I got a pedicure and a manicure today. Something new and exciting. I should get foot massages more often. Although I think the massaging chair fractured my spleen. or my kidney. because my lower back really hurts.
And as a reminder to all, the deadline for declaring your everlasting love for me is drawing near. Make your appointment now so that you are ensured a chance to profess your undying love and devotion for me before
August 26th
because after that, it's all over.

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 16:10:25 GMT

I'm so unhappy I feel like going to sleep and not waking up until tomorrow :'(

addendum

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 02:35:01 GMT

Nic's birthday: 11 days
Sharla's birthday: 41 days
Steph's birthday: 44 days

Happy 18th and 19th birthdays!!

anyone else want to be featured on the countdown?

Countdowns

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 22:02:53 GMT

Leave for Lex: 12 days
Thanksgiving Break: 98 days
Christmas Break:126 days
My Birthday: 203 days
Graduation: 1391 days

Sat, 07 Aug 2004 03:53:26 GMT

How do I pick which userpic I want to use with each entry?

Today was very...eventful. Tomorrow I want to go shopping but I'm afraid my sister doesn't want to brave the crowds with me :( But she said she would go along so that makes me happy. Something else that makes me happy is this picture, taken on my 18th birthday, because Steph is the absolute coolest. You rock! Don't forget me when you go to NE!
(Pale as ghosts)

And then there is this funny picture that I like to look at because it's almost poetic and makes me look almost pretty. By the way, who took this picture and can you get me a cleaner copy of it? As you can see, the copy on my computer is all pixelated and junky.

good day to all and please eat a big juicy hamburger for me.

A quickie but a goody

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 03:22:22 GMT

So I'm freaking out about what I need to bring to school. I still feel like I don't have enough stuff. Faye has enough stuff to fill a room, and all I have is towels and sheets. At least I have the basics. I still need to get a minifridge (we're buying, not renting a microfridge) and also sign up for cable. I have to pay for cable :( boo. You'd think with tuition....but anyway.
Camp was very interesting. It was really fun up til Friday when I told Sonia I wanted to come back as a lifeguard and she told me, "you're coming back but you're going to be a counselor." Well, I was having none of that. I mean, I don't want to sound all uppity, but I did make all these special arrangements to be available this week to go back up there, and then they were just going to walk all over me and do what they wanted instead of honoring my request. It's not like I don't like being a counselor, I just wasn't interested in having a stressful week as a counselor and then coming home only to start stressing out full-time about school. So I thought lifeguarding at camp would be a nice compromise, so I wouldn't wig out completely. I was really flattered though when I told Rachel Greenblatt that she reinspired me to like camp and she asked me if I would be her A1 next year. That would be so awesome. Rachel is such an amazing CCC, and mostly a great person, so I would love to be one of her A's. I worried that if I told camp that I wasn't coming back this week as a counselor, then they would hold that against me when I applied for lead staff next year...if I do. I mean, how crazy is it that I'm worried about my chances of becoming a lead counselor, basically, because I refused to be a counselor. LOL so crazy. But Faye told me it was all ok and it showed that I would stand up for myself and not let them walk all over me. Basically, it's all very long and convoluted, but I really don't have any hard feelings toward camp right now. That's a first in five years. haha. I had a great week last week. So that's the basic gist of it. Yes, it's gist, not jist.
And now I'm helping coach the water polo team. I'm worried because I want them to work hard and start to get in shape, but I don't want them to have a horrible time and then hate me. Ana was giving me the evil eye today. And Thea came to practice!! yaaaay! So I'm caught between making them do lots of hard stuff to shape up or just playing around and having fun the whole time. I'm trying to find a good balance between the two but I'm not sure if it's working. And then Matt wants to take all the guys to the Clark practices. Which might actually be good for them to get whipped into shape. They need it. It's just kind of weird that they asked the graduated people to come back and help and then they don't even want our help. I dunno. Whatever.
I have so much to say, but I don't feel like saying it and this is so much longer than I intended anyway.
Be peaceful and eat food.

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 23:27:57 GMT

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. His name is my name too. Whenever we go out, the people always shout, "there goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" nanananananana

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 03:35:55 GMT

i finally got my film developed.
matt! (nice hair...)

jash!

THE WAAAANG!

Steph's taped fingers! (but you have to wonder, why is she lying on the floor?)

Sideways Jash!

Inside the cool van!

Coach Weewee!

Bluebonnets! (can you imagine I'm even fatter now?)

and me and Sharla being twinkies on Twinkie Day! woo go school spirit...

have a nice week...see you all on friday!

Fri, 16 Jul 2004 18:24:29 GMT

So....
Yesterday I went up to Fredericksburg with Natalie, my friend from work, and we picked peaches and it was fun, so in your face Steph! A peach orchard would be a perfect place to make out. I was thinking...because it's all quiet and peaceful, and there's no one else around. But I was with Natalie, and I certainly wasn't going to make out with her...so that was that. And now we have millions of delicious peaches to eat. mmmmm
In other good news, I've lost 3 pounds! *woo* Ok so looking at me you really can't tell because I'm just as chubsy as before, but the fact that 3 pounds are gone is really cool. I just want to lose 13 more and I will be happy. But obviously I'm not so unhappy with my weight that I'm taking an active stance in lowering it. I'm very passive, you see. But anyway, just lower the amount of caloric intake, and I should be good. None of this low carb foolishness. I mean, seriously, if you want to lose weight, stop eating junk food. Jeez. A diet does not consist of "low carb" chips and candy bars. Americans are so fucking stupid. It really pisses me off that all these people run around eating soybean chocolate bars and flour-based chips and they want to lose weight. Try eating healthy food instead of fake junk food.
I wonder what my time would be if I swam a 50 free race-pace right now. Probably pretty shitty. Although not as shitty as three weeks ago. I have been swimming regularly, after all. This might sound freaky, but I like smelling like chlorine. It' weird...like a comfort or something. But it sure makes me feel worthless when I hear that a 19 year old is breaking all sorts of world records in swimming, and I'm just some lowly imposter swimmer. My mom says it's ok because I didn't spend all my life focused on nothing else but swimming, and while I enjoy swimming, I still have time to be a well-rounded person. But it really makes me wonder...if sometime back in elementary school, if I had had a coach that really cared about my success and really worked with me to become a good swimmer, if I could've turned into something else. Northside has a pretty crappy swimming program, if you ask me. I mean, I've been swimming there since 2nd grade, and look at my success. Gordon gave me a workout the other day with a quote at the bottom that said, "It's never too late to become what you could've been." So since now I have no chance at being an amazing swimmer, does that mean I never had a chance? Or do I have a chance to go to Nationals and be All-American? I'm really looking forward to swimming in college. I mean, yeah there's the whole academic part, but I guess the swimming appeals to me because it's something I've done for so long that it's like my security blanket. Something familiar and comfortable no matter where I am. Which is funny, since I'm not even a stellar swimmer or anything. Sometimes I feel like a complete fraud or phony or something. Like I talk the talk, but I don't walk the walk. My mom said it was really hard for her when she was young and a girl her same age won the gold in the Olympic figure skating. It makes you feel like you haven't done anything significant with your life. But then, what does Olympic gold mean? That you have dedicated all your time to yourself, basically. While the rest of us are working and going to school and volunteering and helping other people, the Olympians are devoting all their time to bettering themselves. I guess that makes me feel better; that I could have been a better swimmer if I wasn't so selfless. ha...
Sometimes it's just hard to feel worth something when it seems like everyone else is worth so much more

I need some personal reassurance...the hardest thing to get

Sat, 10 Jul 2004 05:20:05 GMT

I need to know what I got on the AP test. I don't even care if I got a 1 on the English, but I really need to know what I got on the Calculus. It's KILLING me. Well, I would like to say that I'm pretty confident that I got at least a 3, but having not completed/not started half of the free response, I'm pretty sure a 3 is not in my midst. That said, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I GOT!
In other news, I think there's something wrong with my ear. I'm listening to my *amazing* mp3 player, but I can't hear very well with my right ear. And no, it's not the mp3 player, it's me. haha it's me
And boooo! I went down to the pool for practice this morning and Gordon was gone and didn't even leave me a workout. BLAH! And I saw a Civic that looked suspiciously like...well, whatever. ooooh, funny story. Daniel randomly IMed me the other day and said that we should "hang out" before I leave for college and then he asked me for my cell phone number. yeah....I have no idea....
I'm so jealous of Nic. She knows where she's living next year. I still don't know. :( Well, I know it will be in Lexington....somewhere on the W&L campus....aaaah! I think one of the sophomores on the team is doing a triathlon tomorrow. I couldn't do a triathlon! dang! I'm going to be the only one out of shape and fat and slow in the fall. aaaaaaaahhh!!! I'm so scared!
And what if I don't find someone? What if I'm single forever? And then I turn into a cat lady?
I got my first choice for Leading Edge, btw. Volunteer Venture in Lexington. That means I get to move into my dorm a week early. woohoo! I'm excited.
But oh-so scared!
And camp's coming up in a few weeks. I'm beginning to wonder about my own sanity. Why do I do these things to myself?